Where my girls at?

My journey with infertility has led me down many roads. There have been a lot of lows, but luckily at times I can begin to see the highs. I have felt every emotion possible... I think. Each month brings a whirlwind of emotions and anticipations. This month is an off month, not by my choice, but because I  have 3 cysts in my ovaries. Of course there isn't an exact answer to why?. But with my 3 cysts it was unsafe to proceed with another round of injections. So, I will "patiently" wait for aunt flow to make a visit. With her expected date to be soon arriving I have tried to prepare myself for another month of ups and downs and the feeling of having no control. Each month I am constantly torn down and put on my knees. Each month I cry to my husband that I can't do "this" anymore. It breaks my heart that those words are like a sword to my husbands heart, not because he is afraid that will not continue our journey, but because he feels helpless. I truly feel for all the husbands that go through infertility. Of course, their role is completely different, but they have to go through each emotion as well. They have to stand strong next to an hormonal woman and watch her break every month.
Now, this post is not about the husbands. (That topic will have to have its own post.) This post is about the friends, or sometimes the lack of.  Infertility can be a lonely road. It's hard for others to understand what exactly we are going through. People can be afraid that they may something that would hurt you or are simply clue less to the whole process. Either way, our friends should be there, right? *crickets* Well, my experience has been an eye opener. My best friend decided to start trying to concieve in the very beginning of my journey. It was time for her, she had been happily married for years and they were ready for the next chapter in their lives. Shortly after she got pregnant. I was so excited for her! I couldn't wait for the next chapter of life with her. I envisioned myself babysitting, planning birthday parties, and growing a bond as "aunt" to this precious baby. I never felt resentment or anger that she was pregnant. I never felt hurt or jealousy. I was too excited for my best friend. I hosted her gender reveal party and her baby shower, like best friends do. Then beautiful baby girl made her appearance! In the beginning of her transitioning into her mommy role I stood back, so she could get settled into mommy mode. I figured that it would be a while before we could go back to our Friday night dinners, especially with a newborn. I guess I figured she would invite us when they decided to start to eat out again. The invited never came. Through social media I found out they had been going to dinner. I know it's silly, but it hurt my feelings. I missed my best friend and was dying to get to know beautiful baby "O". I can think of a million reason to justify the lack of invite, but it still hurt. So, my husband decided to start extending the invite. Of course she accepted and slowly we started getting together on Friday nights. But it always felt "distant". Maybe, I don't understand what it's like for her. She probably felt alone being a new mommy. I wish I could have been there for her, but I didn't know a way in. Maybe I shouldn't have given her space? I guess I will never know what caused the "rift" between us.
Over the year and a half of her becoming a mommy and me getting fully into the infertility journey, she rarely asks about it. I guess I was hoping that she would be more involved. I wish I could call her when I get a "negative", but its hard to call someone that doesn't stay updated with what I'm going through. I'm not sure if she doesn't care or if she is just preoccupied. But I do know it breaks my heart. I miss my best friend, but is a best friend someone that doesn't even care what the other is going through?

Maybe...

Welp, today was a tough day. I was so hopeful that this round was “the round” 

For the first time since using an ovulation kit I got a “flashing Smiley Face”. Which means that my hormones are increasing and it’s considered an high chance to try to conceive. I have never had anything show up on the darn sticks, so to see that there was hope made Pat and I overjoyed. We thought that this would be our chance to try. Since, we have been unable to or had no reason to in the past. 

So, this morning I had an ultrasound appointment to see if my follicles were maturing. As i laid there trying to make conversation the the tech to get as much information as i could before i talk to the doctor. She started with my right ovary. I finally get her to tell me that there was one follicle worth measuring. Unfortunately, it only measured a 9, a mature follicle would need to measure anywhere from 18-24. So, that meant I'm not even close. She continued to the left side. Nothing. Not even one worth measuring. I have been here many times before and know that the follicles don't grow at a rapid rate and that they eventually they would  just shrink right on back up. Immediately I was heart broken and knew the little hope I had was shattered. 

I already knew what the nurse would say after the doctor reviewed my results. Another sonogram in 2 days, where i would be in the same boat and be asked to go back in another 2 days. Finally, after the 3 sonograms I would be told that it doesn't look like I'm going to ovulate. At this point there seems to be very little hope.

I texted Pat. Of course him being the wonderment man he is, tried to find any glimpse of hope in the situation. Maybe a miracle will happen, maybe they will magically increase in size, just maybe. I know that those maybe’s are a slim chance. So, I'm left feeling hopeless and alone. Days like this occur often, pretty much every month. This path to pregnancy is one with many lows and i feel like we are still at the beginning of it. I can only pray that just maybe.